One of the most important things I’ve found with this fitness lark is finding someone to work with who you trust. Because in my experience over nearly 3 years some of what I’ve done, well, it hasn’t been plesant. I’ve felt sick, dizzy, on occassions quite possibly like I was dying (not even exagerating!) But I’ve gone with it, trusted my trainer/coach/yoda and in the long run he’s been right, I’ve not necessarily seen it at the time but hours, days even weeks after I’ve realised I’ve overcome a hurdle.
But every once in a while a session comes along and knocks your confidence, it shakes you to the core and makes you question everything. It is rare, in 3 years it has maybe happened twice but it does happen. And last night’s training session was one such occassion.
Without going in to details, I was asked to do something that mentally I wasn’t comfortable with doing, like not in the slightest. Physically it wasn’t a demanding task, but mentally, for me, it was huge! For another person, they’d have shurgged it off and cracked on but something about this task bought about a shitload of fear. I’m not afraid to admit, I cried too! So that gives you an indication about how I felt about this particular task. So I point blank refused. “Nope I’m not doing that”, “if that task is going to be a part of these sessions then I’m done”. Yep ladies and gentlemen, right there, for a split second I analysed the situation and the task I was being asked to do was suddenly this huge stumbling block, a non-negotiable. ~
You see, every week I’ll say “I can’t do that”, “are you f**king kidding me?”, “you’re serious, arent you?”, “no” and for the most part this is just my knee jerk reaction to being asked to do something that is ultimately physically or mentally hard. By and large my coach ignores that because he knows me well enough to know I say no first, then do and I trust him enough to know that if I do something I’ve said no to it will be ok. I trust him to know when I’m bullshitting and when I genuinely have an issue.
But last night was different. The task last night, there was just no way on this earth I was going to even attempt it (Think Lady C on I’m a celeb) and because there is a trust there, he knew not to push down that particular avenue, well not last night anyway.
Now that isn’t to say I won’t attempt this task at some point in the future. I’ve been pondering it all day and I’m angry. Angry at myself for not having the bottle to just do it, regardless of how I felt. Angry that something seemingly straightforward created such a reaction in me, that I couldn’t move forward. And I’m upset and I’m not really sure why to be honest, I think this is going to take me a bit of time to reconcile in my head.
But last nights session was a game changer. Last night I could have called it quits, last night I could have quite happily said “do you know what, I could be at home in my leopard print onesie, eating icecream straight out of the tub with a spoon watching Corrie” but I didn’t. I had a session that in my eyes was a bit shit but I learnt something. I learnt that I won’t always get something first time, sometimes I need to build up to things. Yes sometimes it is import to just throw yourself in to things regardless of how uncomfortable they make you feel but sometimes (rarely) you have to build up to something. I mean you wouldn’t deadlift 100kg barbell the first time you picked one up, you’d learn the technique, get your form right and increase the weight steadily to ensure that you’ve bulit your muscles up to it and to avoid damage yeah? So to me this is kind of the same but on a mental level. I’ll just have to build up to it over time. I’m not saying I’ll never attempt this task, just not yet.
So I meant to post that last night but didn’t, that was all Thursday night. It is now Saturday morning and by now I should be warmed up and just about to start a kettlebell session with my coach but I’m not. I’m sat here in my fluffy dressing gown and slippers, eating my breakfast after a shocking nights sleep with the smallest Stokes (he was sick yesterday at the childminders and has had a temperature all night, so he’s been in our bed, kicking me in the head). So I’ve got a banging headache, I’ve still got a cough lurking myself so I’ve cancelled. Ordinarily I’d be disappointed at cancelling a session but on top of my crappy session Thursday my confidence is at an all time low. I thought after Christmas I was begining to get a good routine going, that I was finally getting somewhere but now I feel I’m not getting anywhere. I’m so angry as I feel I’m not anywhere near where I was before when I smashing out 5 sessions a week.
So what is the point of this post? Well I get a fair few readers who message me about the inspiration they get from reading this blog but I think it is important to show that yes you do get shitty sessions, weeks even months! There is sometimes a misconception that I find it easy all the time and I can assure you, I really don’t. Yes there are times when I think it’d be easier to give up and yes, it would be the easier option to give up but it wouldn’t be the better option. I wouldn’t be getting fitter, healthier, slimmer. Long term I’d be more miserable than I feel after one shit week.
So what I am saying is, if you’re thinking about taking a similar journey or maybe you are on that journey at the moment, don’t expect it it be amazing all the time, be prepared for the peaks and troughs, the highs but also the lows. Know that when the lows hit, you will come out the other side and hit that high again, you just need to hold on and not give up.
And that is why this post is called game changer. That session Thursday has made me realise shit happens, this isn’t a disaster, it is a temporary low. I just need to keep going to get back to that high and it has to happen. Whatever comes down has to go back up again and vice versa. Peaks and troughs.
So I guess that brings me back to the original point about trust. Trust is so important. I trust my coach that I’ll get there, I trust him when he says this is all part of it and you have to take the rough with the smooth. I trust him that refusing to do a particular task then crying about it isn’t a failure, it is just life and I’ll come back to it further down the line. Because at the end of the day if I didn’t trust him, I’d have quit months ago!