Ok, time to be honest. It has been a year since I started back training. It has been a long hard slog of ups and downs (mostly downs) Pre-pregnancy I was proper in to fitness, I was going to the gym 5 times a week, sometimes even 6. I was all over eating clean and paleo recipes. It was all good.
Then I got pregnant. That was ok. I carried on training, ok not to the same intensity but the desire was there. And then postpartum happened.
A horrible labour, followed by an emergency CSection, followed by a stupidly slow recovery (well it is major surgery, as EVERYONE kept reminding me) and a Cows Milk Protein Intolerant, refluxing baby all lead to a generally crappy time.
Then add on quitting my job, which yes I wanted to do, but I’d fallen out of love with teaching but don’t underestimate how difficult it is to leave a job you once loved, that you thought you’d be doing till retirement. Think of it as like ending a long term relationship with someone you love but are no longer in love with.
Then selling the house, and the stress that comes with moving to a new city etc
“Just get back training, and it will all come good” I told myself. But it didn’t. I’ve had a year of messing about, not focussing and generally not being the person I know I can be. The fact is, I wasn’t ready.
I’ve talked before in a post at the very start of this blog about why previous attempts at losing weight/getting fit didn’t work. The fact is you need to be ready. Mentally. You can stand there and tell yourself as many times as you like “I need to lose weight, I need to eat better, I need to go to the gym” etc, you can tell yourself you are ready till you are blue in the face but the fact is sometimes it just isn’t the right time. And I’m not on about making excuses “Oh i’m too busy, I’ve too much going on” etc
This is super hard to explain but at the risk of sounding like a total dickhead, the planets need to align. It isn’t anything you can put your finger on, there isn’t anything you can do to make yourself ready.
So the fact is, I’ve not been ready. I’ve been telling myself I was ready. But something wasn’t clicking and I couldn’t make it click, no matter how much I wanted it to.
I see this quote a lot on motivational pinterest boards.
I’ll tell you now, it is bullshit. I’ve been there. I’ve stood in shop changing rooms crying my eyes out because I can’t find anything to wear to a friends wedding. When I was a teacher, I didn’t go to Y11 prom because I hated the way I looked and could stand the thought of standing next to all the pretty, slim, younger teachers. I’ve been the mum on the school run, sweating profusely having pushed the buggy at full speed because yet again we’re running late because yet again Imogen forgot her water bottle!
Sadness, humiliation, physical ailments, you name it, I’ve done it. Yet it hasn’t made me want to change.
So this time last year, I thought I was ready, I really wasn’t.
Am I ready now? I think so. What has changed? Nothing as far as I can work out. But the planets have aligned. I’m ready to feel uncomfortable. (Pah who am I kidding, past experience tells me this is going to hurt, a lot!) I’m ready to stop eating crap food.
What do I have in my favour this time? I’ve done it before. So I know I’ve got the capacity. Last time, it just happened. I couldn’t pinpoint why, it just did, there was no concious thought. I just told myself Jason wouldn’t make me do anything that might make me die (pass out, maybe, vomit, most likely but not die). I just took a deep breath and trusted it would all be ok and it would work.
And that is the point I am at now. I just need to take a deep breath, accept it might hurt, but it won’t kill me. I need to just suck it up and let it happen.
So here goes nothing.
Tomorrow I will do my starting point photos, measurements etc and do you know what? I’m gonna post em on here (don’t worry mum I won’t use pics of me in my shorts and sports bra) but I do want people to see my starting point. I’m not some super-slim gym bunny that only drinks protein shakes. I am an average woman, married, 2 kids, starting to train for a new job, nothing out of the ordinary. If I can do it, anyone can.