Wow, it has been ages since I last posted on this blog. 1/4 of the year has passed in fact! And I guess there is a reason for that. I could bore you with details of my house moving saga but the fact is I lost my confidence, big style. All the self doubt, self criticism etc had slowly crept back and without realising it I was sabotaging my own goals. Sure I was making all the right noises “yep, want to lose weight, get fit, get strong blah blah blah” but something was stopping me. I think in all honesty I hadn’t realised how much I was stressing over moving house, that was literally sapping my physical and mental energy. But I’d also got to a point where the little voices in my head were telling me it was just all too hard and I couldn’t do it.
I am a huge believer that with any kind of weight loss/get fit/get healthy program you have to be in the right place mentally and I wasn’t, but the one thing I did realise is if I just held on a little bit longer, things would settle. I didn’t factor in how the house move would affect me physically and how run down I’d got, which led to a few false starts. But FINALLY at the end of October, I’m ready. Things feel different.
So we’re still training, outdoors. But I’ve upped my sessions to 2 a week. The major difference between now and when I last posted is the outdoor conditions. Cold, damp, muddy, oh and then factor in dark, and I don’t just mean dark, I mean pitch bloody black!
Wednesday evenings 6pm, training, in the woods in the bloody pitch black. It absolutely petrifies me being in the woods in the dark with a man who keeps telling you its good for you! haha! I find it really hard dealing with not being able to see what is around me, proper creeps me out. And it’s daft really because its the same woods as normal, just in the dark. I don’t like the sensation of not knowing where I am. I am pretty good with directions in broad daylight but I don’t like the idea of not knowing where I am. I don’t like not knowing what I’m putting my feet on and I certainly detest putting my feet on slippy mud, in the dark and trying not to go arse over tit. Last night I had several “WTAF am I doing??” moments. Particularly when my coach, thought it hilarious to suddenly stop and put his hand in front of my face suddenly. (yes I did utter a few expletives)
But I am assured that this is all good stuff, being out of your comfort zone is a good thing because actually if you can go training in the cold, damp, dark, woods with a strange man rather than curling up on the sofa with a bar of choc and the soaps, if you can push yourself to do that, even though it seems like the scariest thing ever, then everything else seems like a piece of piss. And it got me thinking back when I first started all the training malarky in the gym in Barnsley I thought the powerbag was like the worst thing ever. I found it really hard, it was heavy, difficult to lift, I bruised my wrists a lot and it generally made me feel like shite and I hated that black bag of sand, I mean REAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY hated it BUT I carried on and gradually it became easier and I tried a heavier powerbag and eventually powerbags weren’t cutting it so I tried something else that made me uncomfortable and we kept going and going (then I spannered it by getting pregnant) but I can kinda see that you have to push yourself past ordinary to make progress. and eventually your extraordinary becomes your ordinary and you have to do something else.
So anyway my point is yesterday at the start of my training session I was cacking it. My head was full of a lot of I can’t, I can’t I can’t BUT I pushed on regardless and it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t comfortable but I figured my coach has never let me die yet, so I probably would come out alive, I trust him enough that when he says something is a good thing to do it probably is. So to me the worst thing that might happen is I might fall on my arse in the mud. And do you know something, I kinda enjoyed it (didn’t enjoy the soggy socks on the way home mind) but I felt buzzing when I got home and this evening driving to Sainsbos I thought I’d rather be out in the woods in the dark training haha!
So I guess the final point of this post is, I can do whatever I want, if I want it enough. This girl can.