Will I ever get back…

After  Thin me TrousersSafetypin

 

This morning I have woken up feeling like a fat knacker. Baby bump I can deal with. Chins (and I use the plural for a reason!) arms, thighs, arse I can not accept.

I was flicking through some images on Facebook to try and find some pics for fathers day and stumbled across a lot of pics from August through to December 2013, when I was at my fittest.  I miss that time. I miss feeling slim, fit and healthy. I miss seeing progress in the gym. I miss upping reps, upping weights, trying things I think I can’t do at the start and a few weeks later realising I can do them.

I’m scared at the length of time it might take me to get back to that. It took me nearly 3 years to get started in the gym and eating better after Imogen was born, that 9 months was the most mentally & physically challenging in my life. It scares me that I will have to go through that pain barrier again.

When I got pregnant I was at a point where I was taking on the challenges and yes they were mentally and physically painful but I was learning how to deal with them. I’m worried I will be back to square one. Will I even have the mental strength to do that again? Back in December I had a momentum built up, I was making the progress because I wasn’t stopping to think. This pregnancy has forced me to slow down, way more than I would like. I feel like I have lost that momentum and it will take a lot to build that back up.

Don’t get me wrong here, I am not even talking about my weight (well maybe a little bit!) I’m talking more about my fitness. Fitness has been the biggest challenge for me, remember I am not naturally in to fitness. I have had to learn to love it. Fitness has made me feel so much better, weight loss has been an obvious benefit, but being able to breathe after walking up 4 flights of stairs, not having puffy skin, feeling less tired in general, having an outlet for stress have all been hugely important to me.

The thing I am holding on to at the moment is this. I am still in the gym. At 28 weeks pregnant I am still going and I honestly thought I would have sacked it off by 20 weeks. Ok I might not be progressing, I might be having to drop things down a hell of a lot, even on a weekly basis but I am going and I still want to go. Wanting to go is half the battle right? I am incredibly frustrated that I can’t just go in and smash circuits out and I can’t do what I was doing in December. Surely the frustration and the fact I am still going means I still want it? I want to get back and this situation is temporary and I am not going to slip back in to 3 years of nothing.

I am under no illusion it is going to be hard, especially with a 4 year old who has started school and a small baby but I can do it. I’ve done it before, why not again?

H x

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