Tonight my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering.
After promising I would go to the gym tonight after last nights failed attempt, I actually ended up at Meadowhall (For my American followers Meadowhall is a big out of town shopping centre in the North of England.)
Now I hate Meadowhall and Meadowhall before Christmas is normally a no go. But tonight was an emergency.
On Friday I am going out. I’ve not been out drinking in months (literally about 5 months!) and it is for the leaving do of a very good friend. So having lost so much weight I thought I’d buy something new to wear. I spent Sunday night surfing the Internet and found a dress and some shoes I thought might look ok, ordered them and they turned up today. Now what was interesting is I ordered a size 14. I didn’t contemplate the 16. I was suspicious the dress might not fit due to its style but I thought I’d give 14 a bash.
The dress turned up today. It did up, hurrah! But I didn’t feel comfortable enough to wear it for a whole evening. Self esteem still ok at this point.
So I did a mad dash to Meadowhall. I really wanted to go to the gym BUT tonight was my last chance to get something to wear for Friday and I still have this headache lurking. So on balance I decided it would be better to go shopping. (sorry Jason!)
I knew I could get a refund on the dress, so I tried a few other shops. I actually tried things on in shops (never did that this time last year!). The first few shops everything was just never gonna fit. The sizes were too small. Self esteem a little dented, but still ok.
Then I went to the shop I bought the dress online from. I spent ages trying to find something I liked, eventually I found 2 possibles, so I took them too the changing room. And here is where the self esteem took a massive free fall plummet. In the Marks and Spencer’s changing rooms they have mirrors all around. You can see EVERYTHING from every bloody angle. Fat arse, fat thighs, whoopee cushion saggy stomach, haggered face with spots. Oh my days! Then to add insult to injury the new style dresses in a 14 wouldn’t even do up. Bam. There goes 8 months of self esteem building gone in 5 mins in a changing room. I feel as crap about the way I look as I did 8 months and 4 stone ago.
So I finally admitted defeat and got a 16. I’m not convinced it is totally right tbh, I think it is too loose round the boobs but it’ll have to do, I haven’t got time to look for anything else.
I no doubt reckon this post will generate some comments regarding “how far I’ve come, how much better I look” etc etc BUT it still doesn’t mean I’m happy with how I am now.
And I KNOW I should forget the way I look and just concentrate on the fact I am healthier and fitter BUT it isn’t as easy as that.